On Being “Good Enough”
Do you tend to play a savior role in other people’s lives? Jumping in to prevent train wrecks you see coming that other people can’t see?
Many of my clients over the years have struggled with self-worth and valuing themselves. They often wrestle with perfectionism, feeling like what they create will never be “good enough.” When it comes to the things I create, I have not struggled in this area. I know when enough is enough on editing a book or making a piece of music or whatever. So, I thought I didn’t have a problem with thinking I wasn’t “good enough.”
Then, while enduring a string of difficult situations over the last month, I realized I had a massive blind spot when it comes to valuing myself. It didn’t show up in my creations. It has been showing up in my relationships.
During a session with my coach, Cytel Schults on Friday, I realized that my need to control the world around me and to jump in to help others to prevent calamity, is really rooted in something deeper. My propensity to take responsibility for situations and things that other people should be stepping up and doing has been driven by my desire to be “good enough.”
Limiting Beliefs from Childhood
Years ago, I gave away the judgement of my adequacy to someone else. It wasn’t God, and it wasn’t even anyone in authority over me. Just someone in my life who had a propensity to say I was subpar.
This person is not in my daily life, yet his influence remains. And randomly, he’ll come out of the blue to deliver that same message… “You’re not enough, Marnie, and you’ll never be. Not only that, but you’re a bad person because you aren’t good enough.”
This person is one of the few people I let get to me, who can send me into an emotional tailspin. After 4 weeks of intense challenges (doing everything I could think to do to help the people I care for), I felt powerless to prevent what I perceived as a coming “train wreck” in a loved one’s life. At the peak of it all, this person from my past came out of the blue to text his signature message: “You’re not good enough. In fact, you’re a horrible person.”
It brought everything I’d been going through to a head, and I hit an emotional wall. I called a good friend to cry and vent.
The Villain Becomes the Mentor
Friday, I realized that this person and his timely message was a phenomenal gift… because he pinpointed the root issue for
- why I take on too much,
- why I don’t set reasonable boundaries,
- why I’ve created codependent relationships,
- why I never known when I’ve done enough to help someone else,
- why I have felt compelled to take on a “savior role” for others.
Wow! Why have I given this other person the power to set the bar on what makes me qualify as enough? To set a value on my soul? In an effort to be enough, I have been afraid not to push myself to unhealthy limits… trying to reach some undefined point where I’ve done enough.
I can’t blame this other person. I’m the one who owned it. My subconscious has been operating on autopilot since childhood. I never would have seen it had this person not come out of the blue at the exact moment I needed him to deliver his signature message and make me see what I was doing. He is no longer the villain of my story. He’s my mentor! And now, thanks to my coach, Cytel Schults, I have a process and tools to practice releasing this unhealthy pattern. Now I am free!
