Busy Doesn’t Make You Better

Many of us struggle with the need to always be busy. If we’re doing one thing, we feel we should be doing another. Or we may feel guilty if we take time for ourselves. Where does the drive to be busy come from? And what can be done about it? How do we get relief?

I feel it’s a great trait to have a good work ethic and that being engaged in worthwhile projects is a wonderful way to stay out of trouble. As my colleague, Dr. Michael J. Duckett, Jr. wrote “Productive people are the happiest people.” Creating things brings me a sense of satisfaction, fulfillment and joy. But does busy-ness for busy’s sake bring me happiness? Hmm… not so much.

Productivity Vs Busyness

There’s a difference between being productive and busy. Often, we confuse the two, and we feel like we constantly must be doing something … even if what we are doing isn’t efficient, effective, or productive. We might get the illusion of busy-ness from scanning social media for hours, talking on the phone (or texting or chatting) with friends.

What’s Your Intention?

In his 90’s, my grandfather would move a pile of rocks from one part of his property one day and back to the original location the next. While his busy-ness kept him in shape, it certainly wasn’t “productive” in the sense of creating something (other than a healthy body – which was a great accomplishment at 90!) I’m not saying he shouldn’t have moved the rocks, especially with the intention of keeping in shape. I just don’t think that’s what he was doing. He once said that he believed if he ever stopped working, he would die. I’m sure this fear drove his need to constantly be doing.

Taking a few moments to set an intention (or purpose) for anything we do is a powerful step we often overlook. Even watching a movie can be done with intention – to relax and unwind at the end of the day, to give your mind a rest. Even looking at your phone in a checkout line can be done with intention – quickly sending a text off to a friend who has been on your mind.

Without taking time to set an intention (or purpose), we all can easily get trapped in staying busy for busy’s sake, thinking we are being productive. Like my grandfather, that’s most likely motivated by an underlying fear – in his case, fear that if he stopped working, he would die.

Exploring the Need to Stay Busy

If we have an intense drive to stay busy, we would do well to ask ourselves a few questions to uncover what is really motivating our actions:

• Why do I need to stay busy all the time?
• What would happen if I didn’t stay busy?
• What’s the worst thing that could happen if I sat still with my own thoughts?
• Am I measuring my value by my productivity? My busy-ness? My accomplishments?
• What would happen if I couldn’t be productive? Would that diminish my value in some way?

If we measure ourselves by our productivity … or our value by our productivity, we’re going to look back and feel like we wasted a lot of time being busy with unimportant activities that served no real intention.

Unlinking Value from Productivity

Ideally, we wouldn’t measure ourselves or our value by productivity at all. The fact is, we have intrinsic value whether we are productive or not. Think of the former carpenter who fell off a roof and now is a quadriplegic. Does this person hold no value because he can’t do what he used to do? His loved ones wouldn’t think so. But he might. This is why depression is so common among those who are empty nesters, retired, elderly, or incapacitated in some way. Somewhere inside themselves, they have equated their value with productivity.

Many of us, especially women, wear the word “busy” like a badge of honor. I know in my mother’s book, if you were hard working and industrious, that covered a multitude of ills. The worst thing she could say about someone was that they were “triflin’ lazy.”

While not everyone was reared by a mother who prized industriousness, there is still a large percentage of women, especially, who feel like they have to be productive, or they have no value.

Even those who know they need to slow down, meditate, and tune into inspiration avoid doing it because they feel so guilty about taking time for themselves. Not being busy is a horrible unspoken crime for them. They may logically know that self-care and time to tune into their hearts and inspiration is important, but some subconscious program is running the show and they find themselves filling time with whatever task they can find – productive or not.

This was me at the turn of the century. I always felt torn that while I was doing one thing I should be doing another and self-care was not on them menu. I worked with a coach who taught me to put self-care on my “to do list.” She trained me to see it as every bit as valuable as any other responsibility. Eventually, all guilt about self-care diminished. In fact, I learned to pat myself on the back when I took time for myself … as if I’d accomplished something great.

Reframing Self-Care

Learning to put self-care on my to-do list didn’t mean I wasn’t still wrapped up in a need to stay busy. But, at least I didn’t have a split focus. I could relax with purpose. I still often got caught on rat wheels doing a bunch of things that really weren’t necessary, important, or efficient.

Busy Me

Recently, I did some inner work and discovered that there is a part of me that I call “Busy Me” that keeps me so busy I can’t “waste” time on things like self-reflection or feeling deep emotions.

Busy Me was formed by both watching my mother and hearing her derision for “laziness.” The last summer she was alive at the age of 83, she weed-eated her entire front yard a little at a time. This gave her a great sense of accomplishment. As it should have, but it certainly didn’t determine her value in my eyes. My mother embodied love. She loved me more completely than anyone ever had. That is why she continues to hold a place in my heart and always will.

Being Loving Is More Important than Busy-ness or Productivity

The older my mother got, the more she seemed to ease up on the need to be busy. She always made time for me and her grandchildren. She was less critical, more compassionate, and more connected to God. She wasn’t the same woman she was in her younger years. The love grew, and it beamed from her eyes. No, she wasn’t perfect. But she evolved into a state of “being” that wasn’t about “doing.” It was love.

Discovering “Busy Me’s” Motivations

As I explored Busy Me, I discovered this part of me felt the need to keep me numb. Busy Me believed that emotions are a distraction and crying over something is a waste of time. Just put your head down and keep working. Deepest of all, Busy Me was afraid that intense emotions would overload my system, and I’d crack or buckle completely. If I lost control, who was going to hold things together? Busy Me kept ALL emotions at a muted level … not just sadness or pain, but also joy and elation. In the process, Busy Me exiled another part of me – JOY!

I used a process I learned from Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard Schwartz to help Busy Me release her grip on my time, emotions and life.*

Step 1: Asking Busy Me how she was formed, what her role is, how she serves me.

Step 2: Thanking Busy Me for trying to keep me safe … having compassion and understanding for why a younger version of me might think, feel, and believe that staying busy all the time was critical.

Step 3: Helping Busy Me understand that I’m no longer a child or teenager who needs to worry about her mother’s disapproval. In fact, my mother is no longer living. From her perspective now, I’m sure she wouldn’t want me to feel like I have to constantly be busy. I also, helped Busy Me realize that I now have tools for effectively working through emotions without them getting out of hand.

Step 4: Asking Busy Me what she would rather do than make me stuff my emotions and stay head-down, nose to the grindstone. I discovered that Busy Me was TIRED – so very, very tired. She wanted a break and would rather be relaxing on a beach somewhere.

Step 5: Uncovering the part of me that had been exiled. With Busy Me off on a beach relaxing, I now had space to work with another important part of me that Busy Me had locked away – Joy! Joy had a story to tell. She had gifts and talents she wanted to bring to my life. She had a great deal of emotional intelligence, empathy, creativity and ability to play and enjoy life. After a bit of healing work, she was ready to step out of the shadows and be an active part of my daily life.

So, my final questions for you to ponder are:

• Do you find yourself staying busy, but not necessarily productive?
• Are you taking time to sharpen your saw – relax with a book, meditate, listen to music or something inspirational, play, dance, pray, pursue a hobby, have fun?
• How do you feel when you do these things? Can you really be present with them or are you feeling torn or guilty like you should be doing something else?
• What motivates your desire to stay busy?
• What would happen if you sat with the silence instead of picking up a device to scroll through social media posts?
• Do you feel like your need to stay busy could be covering up a fear? Or a desire to avoid something? What is the Busy side of you trying to distract you from?

If you’d like to explore this further with a private SimplyALIGN™ session, you may book one with me here.

* Please note that I am not an Internal Family Systems Therapist and SimplyALIGN™ is not meant to replace professional therapy.